


don't forget from whence you came

by herowndeliverance (atheilen)



Series: under their own vine and fig tree [4]
Category: 18th Century CE RPF, American Revolution RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alexander Hamilton is George Washington's Biological Son, Alexander vs. Boarding School, Bullying, Epistolary, Gen, I have spent way too much time on Founders Online and now you have to suffer too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-30 01:34:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11453247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atheilen/pseuds/herowndeliverance
Summary: Five letters Alexander Washington sent from boarding school, and one he didn't.





	don't forget from whence you came

**Author's Note:**

> Rev. Jonathan Boucher (1738-1804) was Jacky Custis's schoolmaster from 1768-1773. I may be unfair to him here, but then again I may not...his [correspondence with Washington](https://founders.archives.gov/search/Correspondent%3A%22Boucher%2C%20Jonathan%22%20Correspondent%3A%22Washington%2C%20George%22) is a wild ride with many twists and turns. I recommend it if you have an afternoon to spare and have any interest at all in Washington's family life in the Colonial period.
> 
> Thank you to all who have read snippets of this, and the_everqueen for telling me which books Jefferson would give Alexander.
> 
> CW for emotional abuse by an authority figure.

1.

Sir,

By now you will have received Mr Boucher’s remarks upon my progress in my lessons; which I hope shall not be entirely displeasing to you; I am sensible of the sacrifice which you have made and continue to make on my behalf, and am keenly aware that the only manner of repayment open to me is to strive to do you credit in all things. This I always aspire to do, and the thought that I may have failed is a source of great pain to me.

I venture to say, sir, that there will be little enough cause for your displeasure in the arena of my _studies,_ which are easy—I did more difficult sums, for example, when I was a clerk, and I find composition no great hardship, no matter the language. But as to the matter of my _conduct,_ it may require some explanation, which I pray you will indulge me in hearing.

There is among our company a lad of fourteen or so years called Davis. Though not the best of Mr Boucher's pupils, he certainly isn't the worst, and I had hoped we might become friends. Indeed he seemed to find my society pleasant at first—I would often help him with his sums, which were a source of struggle for him, and in return he smoothed my way into the society of my peers. In lesson one day, I noticed Mr Boucher had introduced an error of simple multiplication. As this is the sort of thing that my friend found most difficult, I hastily made to correct the error so my friend would not be laboring under any misapprehensions of the sort that has caused him to fall behind in the class. But Mr Boucher's character is of the kind that does not take well to any slight to his authority, even when one is pointing out an obvious error of fact, and he reprimanded me for insolence. Sir, I believe you know enough of my character now, both its virtues and flaws, to know that I would never try to cruelly mock another, but Mr Boucher and Davis both seemed to read my tone amiss, and every explanation made it worse.

You would no doubt protest, sir, if you were here, that this is not the greater part of my misbehavior, and you would be correct. But you see, sir, I had to explain this incident so you would understand the one with Custis, which is doubtless of greater concern. First, if you will permit me to advise you, sir, let me say Custis should not be punished at all. He acted as any gentleman would, in order to defend the honor of his family. You see, being in disgrace with the rest of our company, I have since been barred from socializing with them, which doesn't really matter to me at all since I cannot conceive of anything useful I may learn from boys such as this. But the other boys kept trying to prevail upon Custis to renounce my company. This he would not do, despite not being fond of it previously, citing his responsibility to me as a member of his stepfather's family. The other boys became more insistent. I should say, sir, that I myself urged Custis to go with them and abandon me to confinement; there is nothing that could be gained by his losing their fellowship. But you know how he gets when a notion is put into his head—nothing can sway him, not even logic and common sense.

As I had predicted, this only caused the others to turn their ire on him, and certain insults were said about your character and that of Mrs Washington which I will thank you never to ask me to repeat. I would have heeded your advice, sir, about paying no mind to what has been said about you and me; it is nothing we haven't heard before. However, Mrs Washington in particular was the target of slander, which if we were older would have certainly led Custis to call Davis out, and I would gladly have served as second. I am grateful not to be friends with a person of such poor judgment as Davis has turned out to possess. Skill in sums may be taught, but honor is not the same, and he has it not.

So you see you must not blame Custis for socking the knave in the jaw, nor, if I may be so bold as to say it, myself for rendering what assistance I might. But I regret to inform you Sir, of the unhappy Sequel of the matter, which is that Mr Boucher has decided I am the cause of the discord, his students having gotten along better before I arrived. Thus I fear his report may not be entirely fair, since he is determined to cast me as the villain. I only wished to report to you the facts, for it pains me to think, sir, that you could form such an ill opinion of me as Mr Boucher seems to have.

Nonetheless I know myself to have erred, and I await your correction, should you find it useful to give one. I don't suppose I will be allowed to visit you at Mount Vernon while still in disgrace, but if you will take the trouble to advise me, I promise I shall do everything I can to amend my behavior, so that you will not regret inviting me in to your family.

My best wishes for your and Mrs Washington’s good health. I’ll try to make Custis write her tho I do not hold out much hope on that account. With the greatest of respect I remain your most dutiful and obedient ward 

Alexander Hamilton

Be so kind as to deliver the enclosed to Patsy unopened.

 

2.

Private and Confidential

My Dear Miss Custis,

I have written you thrice since arriving in this place, and only once have I received a few scrawled lines from you, which in tone and character were so unlike you as to raise doubts about whose pen they came from. I must therefore conclude that either your Affliction has been troubling you so often that you have been unable to pick up your pen, or else that you suffer from the Bashfulness characteristic of your sex, when called upon to enter into correspondence. If the former, pray pay me no mind, and attend to your recovery alone, tho my anxiety would be greatly reduced, were you to write when it has passed and tell me you are restored to health. If the latter, my dear, be reassured that a line from you would be worth as much to me as missives from a hundred men of letters.

Besides, Patsy, if you knew the other boys here, you would have no fear of your own wit suffering in my estimation, when compared with theirs. In understanding your brother is not the least among them, which tells you everything you need to know about the quality of the society to which your parents have condemned me. I am driven near mad with boredom, and am much in want of your companionship, which has made my time in Virga. so pleasant.

But enough of my gloom. The lack of spirit in your last much troubled me my dear, as it is so far from the Miss Custis I know and admire. I must tell you not to pay any mind to the taunts of your inferiors, as they are so far from the truth as to be not worthy of a single moment of attention. When they taunt you, even as you know their words to have no value, you must hold your head high, secure in the knowledge that there are those who hold you in true and unalterable esteem. Let their good opinion be your guide, and do not lose heart, even when the world tells you you ought to put no great stock in yourself. Know that no matter the weakness of your body, it is your spirit that is irreplaceable to those who care for you.

I ramble on my dear Miss, due to my being in want of occupation, and I shall not trouble you much further. I ask only that you spare a thought for your friend who desires only your happiness, in full knowledge that his own may not be achieved for some time, if at all. As time passes I become more and more convinced that there is something about this country inimical to my very nature, and I shall find no satisfaction within it. The consolation of friends like yourself and Mr Jefferson alone is what sustains your

AW

Don't forget me.

 

3\. 

Dear Edward,

This to acknowledge the receipt of yours, which was delivered to me yesterday. I was pleased to hear of the safe arrival home of your Father and Sister, to whom I ask to be remembered. As to what you say regarding your hope of seeing me again soon, tho nothing could please me more I doubt I shall be present for to tell the truth my Ambition is prevalent that I contemn the groveling condition of a clerk or the like, to which my Fortune and Birth condemn me. This land my dear Edward, in which we used to dream of making a brand new start, is as circumscribed by pageantry as any court of the ancients, and contains no opportunity for advancement in society for a boy of no name or rank, but that of the Martial. Suffice it to say that I would willingly risk my life, tho not my character, to exalt my station. I'm confident Ned that my youth excludes me from any hope of immediate preferment nor do I desire it, but I mean to prepare the way for futurity. I'm no Philosopher you see and may be justly said to build Castles in the Air. My folly makes me ashamed and I beg you'll conceal it, especially from those both here and abroad who have extended their generous patronage to me, yet Neddy we have seen such schemes successful, when the Projector is Constant. I shall Conclude saying I wish there was a War.

I am Dear Edward Yours

Alex Hamilton

Colo W asks to be remembered to you and presents Compliments to yourself and Mr Stevens. He joins me in sending you good wishes in the progress of your studies. Think you that you might be able to visit us one day? N York is after all not so far from Virga as to make the trip unmanageable.

 

4.

Dear Brother

My most abject apologies for failing to respond to you sooner. Your last went astray, having made its way onto the wrong ship, and it was several weeks before it made its way into the hands of Colo. W at Mount Vernon, and thence to me at—well. I suppose it may charitably be called a school. But I am keeping in mind your advice Jamie, to always be grateful for the opportunity afforded me, and thus far it has stood me in good stead. Truly you have no need to worry about me. I have all I could ever need, and the best thing you could have done to assist me was to say my letters would be welcome, since truly I do believe we ought to correspond more often than we do now.

It gave me great pleasure my dear Brother to hear you are Settled and Employed in your trade, as I know this has been your ambition for some time now. Remember you must not allow yourself to be taken advantage of—I know you ever wish to be pleasing and agreeable to those who have extended you patronage, as indeed all we Orphans must do. But that does not mean you should permit them to use you as they would a laborer or bondservant.

I must repeat what I said in my last—my guardian is a most fair and upright man who treats me well, and he says his wishes are united with my own, in extending an invitation to visit us in Virginia, and to settle here if you so choose. I do entreat you to come. It is not right that family should be separated as we are. I long for nothing more than to embrace my dear brother again. I truly think you would be happy here Jamie…Mrs. W's children have been most welcoming to me, as I am sure they would be to you. Master Custis has a better mind and heart than he would admit, and is good to have at your back. As for Miss Custis she is all that is Amiable and Excellent in a woman, and possesses every maidenly virtue. They would love you, James, as I do. I know you are near a man grown now and about to embark on your next stage of life but I beg you do not forget you have Family, even an ocean away, whose dearest wish is to see you settled and happy.

Have you any news of our dear Father? If you should hear from him I would be much obliged if you could inform me, for I am most anxious for his welfare.

I remain always your devoted Brother

Alex. Hamilton

 

5.

My Dear Sir,

I write to thank you for the books and letter, which I received last week. You are kind to favor a poor schoolboy with your correspondence. I was delighted by the adventures of Cervantes' knight of La Mancha; you were wise to think that I would find a bit of myself in such a dreamer. As for Monsieur Voltaire, he gave me much to think on, though I do not think it is the sort of thing my schoolmaster would have me read. I must admit sir that I find it all the more refreshing for that, and if you have any more recommendations for me, I would be most pleased to receive them.

How went your trip to the assizes? What news from the House? I am starved for news of the goings-on in this country and Colo. W's accounts have not the color of yours nor the depth. Tho in every way he is an admirable man, I hope it will not seem impertinent to you that I say he is not the most engaging of correspondents. But we cannot all possess every virtue, even if we come as close as he does, as I aspire to do one day.

As to your kind invitation to visit you at Monticello in the winter, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to accept, for it would do my heart good to know that notwithstanding my present trials I could look forward to being in civilized company once more. But I regret to say the good colonel is not likely to approve, with my teacher's reports having displeased him. Still, I must hope that such a fair and just man will eventually see the justice of my plea, and we will be reunited.

Until then I remain Dear Sir yr most obed and humble servant

A Washington

 

1.

Chère Maman,

I am going home today. The circumstances are such that I can scarcely believe them, but Colonel Washington has come to get me, not to censure me as I feared but to bring me to the family, away from this place where I have been so miserable. I will tell you how it happened  (though I know my dearest Mother that wherever you are you must already know, as you have been watching over me) in hopes that it might resolve the Agitation into which my soul has been thrown with his arrival. It has always been my wont to write down my cares, so as to find a Remedy for them, but I have lacked sympathetic Correspondents, or so I believed. I pray you will indulge me as ever you did in life.

To explain in the last few weeks I have been miserable. When I was a child and foolish and naive about the world, I would dream about going to school with other boys of my station. And when Neddy was there before I came here it was what I dreamed of, at least when I had the time to go

But Virginia is a den of vipers, and the young ones are no less venomous for being small. From the first they made it clear that no overture of friendship, no gesture of respect, or even trying to keep to myself would make them forgive me for the crime of being born elsewhere and a bastard, and worse, of being cleverer than the rest of them put together. But even this could have been endured, in the name of bettering myself, of making you proud, of justifying all that Colo. Washington has done for me. But my teacher hated me most of all, and only tolerated me because he wanted his share of the Custis fortune. Poor Jack is quite used to this and pretends to think it his due, but truly Maman I think him to be as starved for true Affection and Respect as myself. But Mr Boucher made no secret of his contempt for me even as he had to hide the same for Jack. If you don't mind me saying so Maman, he made a very poor job of the latter.

It all came to a head a few days ago, in a humiliating incident I have no desire to recount. Suffice it to say that I thought I had a Friend at last, but was proven most cruelly mistaken, and in such a manner as brought deserved shame to myself and undeserved ridicule to the people who have taken me in and treated me in every way as their Family. From this there could be no going back, for as you know, Mother, there is nothing a foolish man hates more than being made a fool of, and I managed to make a fool of Mr Boucher. Ever since then I have been in a state of great Anxiety, imagining what Colo. W would think of my behavior, for tho he has been most generous and kind to me he is not in a position to understand my trials. Besides that there is a limit to the patience extended to a bastard child here on sufferance. I must admit that from the first I have wanted him to think well of me, no matter how impossible that seemed. His good opinion is worth more to me than that of ten lesser men. Is that so wrong Maman? I don't know anymore.

Several days passed with no letter and I was beside myself. Although I do not wish to admit it, I have to confess I gave much thought to running away, but honor and respect for Colonel Washington forbade this disastrous course, after the ordeal that was our journey to Virginia. I could not subject him to such worry a second time. My resolve nearly failed however, when he wrote Custis not me and Custis refused to tell me what he said, saying he'd been forbidden from doing so. I asked since when did Custis care about not doing what W forbade him to do and I could get naught from him but a shrug. Boucher made quite a production out of the fact that Custis received a letter and not me. I would tell you what I think of that but it would not be proper to use such language when addressing a Lady. Suffice it to say that it does not seem becoming of a man of God to taunt a youth under his protection and care in such a fashion.

This morning Colo. Washington himself arrived, seeming exhausted and out of sorts from riding hard. I was surprised by his arrivalhaving received no word of it, but Custis was not. The two of them spoke for a time without acknowledging me, and then Embraced, with more warmth than I can recall seeing them express toward each other in some time. I heard Washington say he was proud of Custis, who tried very hard not to look pleased. Then I stood, expecting to meet my fate, which I already knew was not to be so kind as his. But he waved me off and instead spoke to Mr Boucher in a room where I could not see or hear them, and I was left to wait. Thinking this to be part of my Punishment, a thousand possible ends to the matter raced through my mind. Was I to be cast out, or forced to make an apology, or beaten until I saw the error of my ways?

Colo. W came out wearing a very particular expression, one he doesn't think I know but I do. There is a look he gets when he is angered, but does not think the object of his Scorn worth stirring such strong feelings, and so tries to tamp them down. I assumed I was the reason for his distemper, and tried to speak, to plead my case, but was silenced as I knew I would be.

Alexander, Said He, take a walk with me please.

What could I do but obey? He took me out into the morning sunshine and I suppose we must have looked to a passerby like any Father and Son taking our leisure. He kept his hand on my Shoulder as was his wont when we traveled together on the ship, and I could not help but wonder what Peril he was attempting to steer me away from.

I know it was Jack's fight, he said after some time had passed, but did you get one good strike in at least? The Scoundrel surely deserved it.

Startled into laughter I admitted that I had. Colonel W pronounced me a good lad and ruffled my hair in a Most Undignified Manner. 

I own Dear Mother, I did not know what to say.

Patsy says you are unhappy and that it is my fault, said he.

This was so grotesquely unfair I could not countenance it and I rushed to reassure him the fault did not lie with him and that Miss Custis is mistaken.

So you admit you are unhappy, he said.

Thus did I begin to comprehend the nature of the trap the two of them set for me, but it was too late. He told me Patsy--Miss Custis I should say--showed him the letter I sent her. I told him that was private. He said she knew and that she told him I could scold her for it when we got home. This ended in a stalemate for we both knew I would never raise my voice to My Very Dear Miss Custis. I daresay the Lady herself knows this also, which is why she acted as she did.

Eventually Colo Washington led me to a fallen log, upon which he took his seat. I have come to take you home, he said. Where you belong. We leave today.

At once I protested, asking to be given another chance. But he was unmovable. Sir, I said, I can do better, I can keep my temper, please let me try, you'll see I can. I can be what you want, I can make you proud if only you make clear your wishes for my future. In truth Maman this has been a source of great Anxiety for me, for I was uncertain of his Objectives for my education.

Alexander do you know how happy I was when your mother wrote me? He asked.

This did not seem to follow from the previous thrust of our discussion, and I was startled for he does not often mention you. I admit I have often wondered what he thought upon receipt of that letter.

I was senseless with joy, he told me. For days I would not watch where I was going and bump into walls, so distracted was I with the knowledge that my Son is in the world.

I knew this was ridiculous and said so, and he told me to apply to Mrs Washington for the truth. I said I would. Wishing to make light of this admission, I said he must have been disappointed when he encountered me in the flesh. No, he said, never. You are so much more than I ever expected you to be.

What did you expect me to be, sir? I asked.

He made no reply. I was younger than you are now, when my Father died, he said.

I confess I had not thought of him having anything so pedestrian as a Father of his own. I am sorry for your loss, sir, said I.

My brother did the best he could, but in a very real sense I was alone, he said. I was expected to be Man of the House, and I did everything I possibly could to make my Father proud, tho he could not know of it.

I am certain he was proud, Sir, said I, because I was. How could a father not be proud of such a son as he must have been?

I thought he might have been, after a time, admitted the colonel. Thought eventually I became strong enough or smart enough or good enough to win his Approbation, were he in a position to give it. But now knowing you I wonder if all I did wasn't rather Unnecessary, after all. I wonder if he would not have said...that what I did was enough. That I did not have to contort myself in the manner of...

Here he took a deep breath, and it seemed he was too Overcome to continue. I inquired upon his health, and was told he had never been better.

I think, Said He, that I waited all my life for him to tell me I could stop. So I am telling you. There is nothing you need do, nor have ever needed to do, or will ever need to do, to win my Esteem and Approbation. It is Yours already, as am I. Alexander you can stop. It is Enough. Come home.

Is that an order? I said.

It is, he said. I will find you a better school, should you wish to try again, or get you tutors if you do not. But for now you will come home.

But what of my future? I asked him.

What of your present, Son, he said. I did not bring you home so you could grow up Miserable and Friendless without the comfort of your nearest relations. I brought you home for the same motives I believe prompted your mother to write to me—so that you could have every Advantage that might give you the greatest chance at happiness, now and in the future.

Then it was I who was too Overcome to continue. I could not--

\--pardon, Mother. Custis just came into our room to mock me for writing when I do not have to and said we should take full advantage of our time of leisure. He is coming with us too, even though he had the choice to stay, which was what Colo W's letter was about. I do not think it Fair that he had the choice to stay and I did not. Colo W says John is older and has differing Needs of his Father than you Alexander, he needs to know he has my Trust.

He does? I asked. For this was I called Insolent.

Anyway Custis says perhaps he should have stayed, for without me and Patsy he would have had a chance for Peace and Quiet At Last. I think this is nonsense for I know how much he adores his Sister. I felt I must apologize for making things harder for him and ruining his place at school.

Wasn't much of a school, said he.

This assessment accorded with my own, but I did not expect to hear him say so.

I am tired of sycophants and bullies, he said. The way he treated you was not becoming of a Gentleman of Virginia.

I expressed my surprise that he knew the word Sycophant, and he threw his pillow at me.

You are the Worst Sort of Nuisance, he said, but you are Our Nuisance, and they would do well to remember that. Then he shook my hand and said we were at peace, and that he was going downstairs to meet Washington and I would do well to follow, for we have escaped his wrath thus far.

I think I may have a friend after all.

I find I do not wish to stop writing to you now that I have begun, but I suppose I must. I have wondered often why you sent me here, Maman, and what you would have thought of the events of the last several months. I could not understand why you told him, even if it is true. Were we not doing well, before he came? Did you want me to go to him? Did you think I would be happy here? I am going to try to be, from now on. I think you would prefer it.

I wish you could have told me. I wish you had had more time. I wish so many things.

And now I must bid you Adieu, for my Father tells me the horses are ready. I think of you every day.

Yrs., for ever.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Careful readers will note that the "I wish there was a war letter is not much changed from its historical incarnation. It was too good to mess with. [Here's the original](https://founders.archives.gov/?q=Author%3A%22Hamilton%2C%20Alexander%22&s=1111311111&r=1) for anyone who wants to compare them.
> 
> I'm on Tumblr at [herowndeliverance](herowndeliverance.tumblr.com).


End file.
